A Bit of Background

Firstly, this blog is selfish; this blog is for me and me alone really, it’s a way of me documenting something I’m personally interested in and is a great tool for me to keep up with my own thoughts. Thus, this post in particular is not well organized, sorry.

Now, to start, I believe I must delve into some of my most personal experiences to give my dear readers and myself an account of myself before I just begin blogging about my personal experience.

It was the summer before seventh grade in middle school and I was about to head to Europe for a four week vacation with my aunt who happened to be a widow and extremely fond of me and my sisters as she had no other family members.

During this trip, I was inattentive, short-tempered, and yet, appreciative. I may have sat through numerous museums listening to Eminem on my CD player and looked upon favorable historic treasures with a frown, but deep under everything, beyond the tourist attractions, I had an attraction to Europe, even at thirteen years old.

I was thirteen years old in Paris and on a particular night, my life changed though it was hard to say how or why. I distinctly remember my aunt snoring in the bed next to me as I, still wide awake, watched French television late into the night. I watched Austin Powers in French and then something rather pornographic came on late at night. There was a man sitting at his office desk and a woman coming in to greet him. The woman’s bare breasts were eventually exposed and I started to touch myself. I eventually came, despite my aunt being in a deep slumber in the bed next to mine.

Now, as to why and how. In sixth grade, I went to a small private day school, and I swear, to this day, more than half the time we (as in my small group of guy friends say six to eight of us) talked almost exclusively about sex or sexually related things to the point of perversity, and looking back on it, we had absolutely no idea what we were talking about but somehow the ring leaders always made it the topic of discussion. For me, I did not masturbate during sixth grade, partly from fear of being caught, partly from lack of intelligence, and mainly from lack of experience and/or interest.

However, with my experience in Paris, everything changed.

I now began masturbating during seventh grade, and quite often. In fact, I remember almost exclusively masturbated to airbrushed images of celebrities. I had google searched porn to find something to whack off to but found amateur porn uninteresting, my connection unreliable enough to handle video files (this was during the reign of AOL) and given both the lack of free resources and free time at my hands, I had settled on one site in particular to whack off to: fredd38.com

Back in the day, fredd38 had a small collection of images: perhaps 20-50 images when I first started using the site. It gradually expanded into something larger until I look now to the site and am astonished into what it has turned into.

Back to the point, I masturbated exclusively to images found on this website for a year or longer perhaps.

Now, masturbating to these images as I preferred to do was no easy task, there was only one family computer and it was out in the open in our common room area.

So, I would wake up early on almost every day, normally around 5 AM as my father often woke up at 6 AM, and I would masturbate to these images. I definitely had close calls but never was actually fully caught in the act; in particular, I had developed a series of doors and items placed on the floor to alert me on the rare occasion my timing was bad. I would use SportsCenter as my alibi and often would watch the last half or so before my dad woke up, sometimes watching the last half twice as 7 AM approached.

Also, these images however were not enough, I remember distinctly having to use my imagination to a large extent in order to finish; I’m not even sure whether I was imagining having sex with these airbrushed celebrities or not, sometimes I was simply fantasizing about seeing their naked bodies: in particular, I remember one link where there was a game of undressing the celebrity, I truly enjoyed this game of undressing the airbrushed celebrity and often used this as a tool to get excited.

Before I go on to high school, I should mention that in middle school, it was not uncommon to feel up a girl or kiss a girl, but it was rare, at least in my school, to have sex, oral or otherwise. I had both kissed many girls and felt up only a couple but consider myself in the average range for middle school experience, maybe below considering I hadn’t smoked pot nor drank any substantial amount of alcohol.

One story sticks out in my memory on my sense of middle school and sexuality; in the seventh grade, a female classmate of mine was fingered, and somehow the rumor had got around so fast (my middle school had about 200 of us in total), the entire seventh grade class was gathered for an assembly on oral sex. I do not remember the contents of the assembly but I do remember the girl being extremely embarrassed. I also recall a friend of that same girl admitting she masturbated in eighth grade only to try to take it back because of public humiliation; I never understood why masturbation, in particular female masturbation is so taboo, because for me, an orgasm is, always has been, and always will be something illusory at times but ultimately a gratifying experience.

Also, while I’m on the topic of middle school still, there were many times I remember that I had been embarrassed or afraid of having a boner during a sports game. To “solve” this “problem”, I would masturbate before games, and given my options, I often resorted to watching scrambled porn channels (basically a bunch of static with occasional ray of light, up in my parents room while changing for my game. To say I had to use my imagination was an understatement; in middle school, I would often think or fantasize to celebrities, I remember this much clearly, these were not faceless individuals.

In high school, we switched to a better internet connection and I moved on to looking at the top 50 free most visited porn sites, sites like vidsvidsvids.com and their linked videos. I would download whole series of videos and store them under temporary files and secret locations. I would have a horde of “good” porn to use whenever I masturbated, which was quite frequently, I’d say about once every one or two days in the average week.

During freshman year, I also had my first real girlfriend. I had developed a relationship where we kissed and felt each other up quite frequently. For the first time, I experienced oral sex and enjoyed this immensely. We did not and would not have sex because of my girlfriend’s “values”, but I really did not push the issue hard because I was overall very pleased and happy with the relationship.

Additionally, I had dropped the “L” word and had gotten her very attached to me. I had also grown attached to her but for some reason was never quite as into her as she was into me, often ditching her last minute simply because I didn’t want to see her. Around the same time frame, I had her through the grapevine that a friend of mine had been fooling around with her behind my back, I was incredibly hurt by this and in the height of maturity, I broke up with my first girlfriend through an email, and a couple days later, a phone message that basically was a recording of that song from the “The Wedding Singer” where the first half is a happy up-beat track, and the second part goes something like “But it was all bullshit, it was a goddamn joke” etc etc.

Moving on, I had continued my high school career with little change in my voyeurism; I began drinking beer on a regular basis during my sophomore year and began hanging out with potheads during my junior year. Ironically, I didn’t enjoy smoking pot because I became intensely paranoid and “bugged out”; however, I continued to hang out with these kids and considered them my closest high school friends. I had lost my virginity to a friend’s girlfriend in an act of stupidity but continued to remain single to the end of my high school career.

Tomorrow, I will start with my college career to the best degree I can, but I really just want to start documenting my days now.